


All Gone

by bitfit



Category: Hermitcraft RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Whump, mumbo needs therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27369604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bitfit/pseuds/bitfit
Summary: Mumbo has been struggling with depression for a while, and he's not sure how much more of it he can handle.please look at the tags before reading.(this is a vent, so please excuse any spelling mistakes or shitty writing.)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 56





	1. I'd Rather Sleep

**Author's Note:**

> TWs for this chapter: self-harm, suicidal thoughts, panic attack

Mumbo sighed as he stepped away from the new redstone contraption that he’d been working on for his industrial district. 

It was just supposed to be a simple farm, yet he just couldn’t seem to get his brain to work out how to make it. Every little step in the process felt so much more exhausting and time-consuming than usual. He had difficulty bringing himself to complete even the simplest tasks. Even pulling out fireworks from his inventory seemed draining. 

Ever since the cold weather had settled in across the Hermitcraft server, it had become increasingly difficult to find motivation to do anything. All Mumbo wanted to do was stay in bed all day and sleep. And cry, his brain added. Even so, he didn’t know if he had the energy to do even that. 

Mumbo knew that he had depression. Although, it was definitely much easier to deal with it during the warmer seasons. There just seemed to be something about the fall and winter that had a jarring effect on his symptoms. It was as though there was a mysterious force that made his feelings of general unhappiness even more intense. He’d only really told a couple other Hermits about this, as he wasn’t very comfortable talking about his feelings. Although, he had a sneaking suspicion that he would need to start opening up more soon. Afterall, things seemed to get worse and worse each year, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to just “deal with it.” 

After staring at his farm in silence for a while, he heard rockets being fired off in the distance. They seemed to be coming from the direction of Iskall’s industrial zone. The rockets began getting louder as whoever it was seemed to get closer and closer, until Mumbo heard a soft thud come from behind him.

“Mumbo! Long time no see!” Iskall shouted happily as he approached Mumbo and put a hand on his shoulder, causing him to snap fully back into reality. 

“Oh, hi Iskall,” He replied, turning away from his failed redstone farm to face his friend. 

“Working on some farms?” Iskall turned his attention to the pathetic pile of pistons and redstone that one could hardly call a farm, let alone a working contraption. “Looks… interesting!” 

“Yeah.” Mumbo hesitated, unsure of whether or not he should tell Iskall about what was going on and how he’d been feeling lately. “It’s just been kind of an off week for me.”

“Tell me about it. I haven’t had the energy to even  _ think  _ about placing all the leaves for my Omega Base.”

“Well, I guess I’ve just had trouble feeling motivated lately.”

“Oh?” Iskall questioned. “Any reason why?”

“W-well-” Mumbo paused. He didn’t really think that he’d get this far. It would be the perfect time for him to open up and get some much needed support from others before things get any worse. He felt his nails dig into his arms as anxiety bubbled in his chest. “I suppose that I- well, I guess it’s kinda..” he swallowed roughly in an attempt to calm himself down. His throat felt like it was about to close up and tears pricked at the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill over any second. “I’m just really tired, I guess.” He took in a shaky breath as he mentally scolded himself for beginning to have a panic attack at the worst possible time. 

Iskall looked at Mumbo for a second, as if trying to search for something more. He wasn’t stupid. He knew that there was something going on with Mumbo. However, he couldn’t really force him to talk about anything he wasn’t ready to. “Maybe you should go back home and get some more sleep, if that’s the case.” He eventually replied after thinking for a moment. As soon as the words came out of his mouth, he realized it wasn’t at all the right thing to say at that moment. Before he could correct himself, Mumbo was already pulling on his elytra.

“That’s a good idea, thanks Iskall.” Mumbo replied, as his trembling hands lit up the rockets he held and he lifted off in the direction of his base. 

  
  
  


Mumbo finally landed at his base after what felt like hours of travelling through the sky. He had decided against using Nether portals at risk of running into other hermits. He really didn’t want them to see the state he’s in. How would he even begin to explain himself? With the combined tightness of his throat and how much he had begun to shake uncontrollably, he’s not sure he’d even be able to try.

His whole body shook with each sob as he descended deeper into panic. Mumbo couldn’t bring himself to even try to calm down. His mind was flooded with thoughts about today. He messed everything up. Only he would be stupid enough to have a panic attack right when he was finally about to open up about his feelings. 

Stupid.

That’s all he really was, right? Sure, he knew how to make silly little redstone contraptions, but what did he know beyond that? No matter how much time or effort he put into something else, it always came out wrong. There was a reason no one had ever asked him for help on their building projects. It was because he was stupid. They only really saw him as a redstoner. He’d never be anything else. No one else liked him. Not because they were mean, but because they had no reason to. Mumbo really couldn’t blame them if they just wanted to use him for his redstone skills and then never talk to him again. It only made sense, really. He had no other redeeming qualities. No personality. No hobbies. He was just the redstone guy on the server. Except now, he couldn’t even be that because of his depression. 

Mumbo felt another sob shake him as he realized that.  _ He couldn’t even do redstone.  _ How much more useless could he get? 

A sudden burning sensation on his arms snapped him out of his spiral of negative thoughts. He hadn’t even realized that, throughout that whole panic attack, he’d managed to scratch his arms nearly raw. Blood lightly covered his fingertips and collected under his nails. It dripped down and created small spots on the soft grass floor of his storage system. Mumbo took a shaky breath as he tried calming himself down. He looked around, attempting to get a grip on reality. He hadn’t even realized that he’d flown down into his storage system when he came back. How long had he been down here now? Not that it really mattered. It wasn’t like anyone would notice he was gone unless they needed help with their redstone. 

Mumbo sat there on the floor of his storage system, once again becoming lost in thought. Thankfully, the pulsing pain in his arms brought him back into reality. He realized that he needed to take care of his wounds, whether he liked it or not. However, he still couldn’t find the strength nor motivation to move. His self-harming tendencies had been getting worse each year. Hell, they’d been getting worse every day. There had even been some days where he'd let himself die on purpose just to feel the pain that was brought on before he respawned. There was just such an adrenaline rush that came with it, and for a moment it made him forget about all his worries. His problems didn’t matter in those moments, after all. Hell, it even made him feel happy most of the time. All that disappeared whenever he respawned, though.

He had been questioned by some other hermits about his alarmingly frequent death messages in chat. He brushed it off every time, claiming that it was all accidents. He simply hadn’t realized where he was going, or he didn’t see the creeper sneaking up on him, or he had forgotten to put on his elytra, or… something. 

Mumbo knew that what he was doing was concerning. He didn’t blame the other hermits for pretending to be worried about him. However, he knew that he wasn’t suicidal. Right? He knew he was going to respawn. He didn’t want to disappear forever or anything like that. Besides, he had projects that needed to be finished. Then again, he had lost all motivation to get anything done, so maybe disappearing forever wouldn't actually change that much.

He sighed, exhausted, as he pulled out his netherite sword and hastily plunged it into his chest. 

_ MumboJumbo was slain by MumboJumbo _


	2. All I Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Grian pov time

Grian frantically flew around his base as he looked for his Netherite pickaxe. He misplaced it after going on a mining session yesterday, and he was starting to lose hope that he’d find it. Although he’d actually built a storage system, he still had trouble keeping his base organized. It was littered with shulker boxes and miscellaneous chests filled with random blocks and materials.    
  


Grian closed his enderchest with a sigh after rummaging through it for the millionth time that day. He really didn’t have the time to replace it, but it seemed like there was no other choice. Hell, knowing his luck, he’d probably find it as soon as he made a new one! Grian quickly crafted up a netherite pickaxe using some extra netherite he’d been keeping in case of something like this happening. The only thing left to do was buy some enchanted books in the shopping district, and then he’d hopefully be back on track to getting some stuff done around his unfinished base. 

Entering the Nether, Grian quickly started flying in the direction of the shopping district. Suddenly, a soft blue glow lit up his pocket followed by a buzz from his  communicator . He ignored it, knowing it was probably just a death message or someone asking for materials. While normally Grian would love to banter in chat or offer help, he just couldn't afford to waste any more time than he already had when he was looking for his pickaxe

When his communicator began buzzing frantically, his curiosity got the better of him. Grian used his free hand to quickly pull it out of his pocket and check the messages. 

  
  


_ MumboJumbo was slain by MumboJumbo _

_ <BdoubleO100> ? _

_ <Iskall85> ARE U OKAY DUDE??? _

_ <Rendog> Mumbo? _

_ <BdoubleO100> that doesnt seem normal _

_ <Rendog> what happened dude? _

_ <Iskall85> someone should probably go check on him  _

_ <GoodTimesWithScar> mumbo seems to be dying more than me haha _

_ <GoodTimesWithScar> wait how can you be slain by yourself?? _

_ <XisumaVoid> it probably wasn’t accidental  _

Grian felt his heart drop as he read through the messages. Fuck. something was very, very wrong. He quickly typed a message out into the chat. 

_ <Grian> im going to go chec k on hinm rn _

He didn’t bother to correct the spelling in the message. His hands were shaking as he quickly spun around and started heading towards Mumbo’s portal. 

Mumbo’s death messages in chat had been… concerning, lately. Now, accidental death wasn’t uncommon on the Hermitcraft server. It’s just that Mumbo was a very careful person. Sure, he had his occasional spoon moments, but it was really starting to get concerning. No one could possibly die that much accidently unless there was something else going on. 

_ Fuck,  _ Grian though to himself,  _ there’s  _ definitely  _ something going on.  _ How hadn't he noticed? Why did it take him so long to think that maybe something was  _ very  _ wrong with Mumbo? Looking back on their past interactions, it was so painfully obvious that Mumbo had been going through something. He wasn't acting like himself anymore. He seemed so.. Sad. so disappointed in everything he’d been doing. Whenever Grian spoke to him about upcoming projects or plans he had on the server, Mambo always found a way to belittle himself and point out his flaws or shortcomings, even in redstone. 

Grian knew why he hadn;t realized this. It's because he was selfish.  _ Selfish.  _ Only ever thinking of himself.. Too busy focused on his own plans to notice Mumbo. Tears pooled in his eyes and it was suddenly hard to breath. There he goes again, being  _ selfish.  _ Crying about himself. Not even worried about his friend. Such a bad person. 

Grian tried to push away these thoughts as he tried to reassure himself and calm down. This was all very overwhelming, he had every right to be upset. It didn’t make him selfish. Taking a deep breath, he attempted to reorganize his thoughts and focus on the task at hand. He quickly stuffed his communicator back into his pocket and pulled out more rockets, speeding around the nether as fast as he could.

When he finally found the portal to Mumbo’s base, he nearly cried in relief. He dived into the portal and waited anxiously as it transported him back to the overworld. The harsh grip pulling him back became softer as he opened his eyes and saw the inside of Mumbo’s base fading into view. He dove into the base and made a beeline for the bed, hoping that Mumbo had respawned. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry 4 da long wait but i usually orphan my fanfics before i finish them so im not used to actually working on another chapter lmaoooo
> 
> anyways now i can add grian in the tags so i can get more hits ayyy
> 
> also sorry this chapter is so short but i wanted to get this out and i couldnt think of any filler shit to add

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, this is a vent fic, so im sorry if there's any spelling mistakes. I am planning on continuing this btw, if yall are interested.  
> EDIT: im working on da new chapter rn :) it should be out soon.


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